Friday, December 3, 2010

How to become a successful American President

How to become a successful American President


Here’s a guide to becoming a successful American President, in the great style and tradition of Nobel Laureate Mr. Barack Hussein Obama. Becoming a successful American President these days is so very uncommon, and so very difficult,
that one has to take help from the Do It Yourself manuals/ An Idiot's Guides/ How To Books. What with presidents like Richard Nixon, George Bush Sr. and Jr., Bill Clinton and their follies, surely a lack of interest in books, and/ or the unavailability of books, especially the How To's, is a cause of this epidemic.

The writer of this article hopes that this would prove helpful in the absence of such books on the subject matter and many a president can benefit from it, as the information presented in these very outlines has never been published before. Depending upon the success rate, the author wishes to convert this idea into a nice hard cover HOW TO book/ Do It Yourself Manual/ An Idiot's Guide, which may prove to be a coast to coast best seller. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

The writer is also willing to accept the "Man Booker Prize” or even a “Nobel Prize" if thrown his way for thinking of writing such a book (Surely if some noble ideas can get you a Nobel Prize ...) considering the dire need of such a masterpiece on such a badly needed topic.

Qualities/ affiliations/ gadgets you need

There are certain qualities/ affiliations/ gadgets that you will need in order to become a successful president of the United States of America. You must be a handsome, likable fellow belonging to either the Republican or Democrat parties. A third possibility does not exist. In addition to this you must have an aye from the World Jewry; a nay from them can ruin your chances of existence.
Race, Color and Creed:

You must be of a Euro- American race, preferably of white color (a one time black African- American is accepted as an exception) but not of brown color. You must preferably belong to the Euro- American culture and creed. Period. The emphasis is on “unity in diversity”.

Character and charisma

Character does not matter as long as charisma is there. A charismatic personality like JFK is the formula, or a typical requirement. Recent examples of Charismatic exuberance are Mr. Jimmy Carter, Mr. Bill Clinton and Mr. Barack Hussein Obama.
Gender Based considerations

For reasons I will here forth try to explain, I would rather that a President mustn’t be from the fair sex.

i) Members of the fairer sex do not believe in marriages of convenience, or occasional affairs; they tend to be involved passionately, deeply, and affectionately. Can a gentle lady keep a harem or even a secretary (of the Lewinsky type?)(Aah, but somehow the word “gentle” doesn’t come to mind when one thinks of Hillary Clinton.)

 ii) For a member of the gentle sex it is rather difficult to check the advances of another dignitary from another country (the “I would like to hug you" sort, perhaps?).

iii) The fairer sex can tolerate anything, even when her husband is a president. But (and this but is a very big but) if the wife is the president, can a husband tolerate a Mr. Lewinsky?

 Strategic decisions

In order to become a successful US president one must take the strategic decisions with precision, caution and precaution. One must go into war in situations like operation desert storm in Kuwait or tactical surgical strikes in Pakistan, not poke your nose in wars like Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan, where it is easier to get in and most difficult and humiliating to get out.

Breaking away from Taboos

In American society it’s almost a taboo that the president must be a chosen one (from the Jewish lobby?). One must break this Taboo. One must try something different, having a Muslim middle name, perhaps, can be a novel idea.
 To be or not to be a Nobel Laureate

Why, a Nobel Laureate for a president is a pleasant surprise. One must make sure that he gets the Nobel by hook or by crook. The whole Muslim world believes in a reward just for thinking good ( Nee’yat) , then why can't the president of the most powerful country in the world be rewarded for his good deeds of the future, good deeds in waiting. Four presidents, Theodore Roosevelt (1906), Woodrow Wilson (1919), Jimmy Carter (2002) and Barack Hussein Obama (2009) have already shown their true grit by snatching the Nobel. A lion's share is a share where it's rightfully due.

Some very important Do's

 i)After encountering the onslaught of the shoe, ducking and dodging it successfully, do always expect a second one, as shoes come in pairs.

Some very important Don'ts

 i)Never trust the Osamas of this world. Do not give them the trade secrets. They may prove to be dangerous later on.
 ii)Never give aid to countries unchecked. Make Kerry Lugar Bill a Law.

"How to write a Robert Langdon murder mystery in the great DAN BROWN style"

"How to write a Robert Langdon murder mystery in the great DAN BROWN style"

By M. Khalil ur Rahman

"Dan Brown's conspiracy- theory thriller is the pulp must read of the season...An ingenious mixture of paranoid thriller, art history lesson, chase story, religious symbology lecture and anti- clerical screed, and it's the most fun you can have between the sort of covers that aren’t 300-count Egyptian cotton."

I read Dan Brown's "the Da Vinci Code", and I read Dan Brown's " Angels and Demons" and then it hit me, a brain wave with the speed of summer lightening. What if some one wishes to write a Robert Langdon murder mystery? What if great Dan Brown himself wishes to write another murder mystery? ( This time on freemasons, perhaps). Does he have something to go by? Can he muster some help from internet, books or even junk emails? Probably not. These days the 'How to' books are very much 'in', right from the very first HOW TO book, namely,'' How to win friends and influence people'', by Dale Carnegie, up to the present day how to's / Do it yourself manuals/ an idiot's guides. But does one find any hint, any help, any reference, on how to write a Robert Langdon murder Mystery in the great Dan Brown tradition and style? Most definitely not. Hence the idea of an article on this very subject. Today its a mere article, tomorrow some real writer, some entrepreneur, may convert this idea into a nice looking hard cover with pictures, and full blown diagrams and lists and tables and with pop-ups and notes on every page.( An annotated version, perhaps). Let's keep our fingers crossed.

What you need:
There are certain things, articles, books, archives you need to have in your possession before you undertake to write such a "highly graded piece of Literature."

1. Books on history, theology, archaeology, fine arts and painting, and philosophy.
2. A couple of books on Riddles
3. Google/ yahoo search engine/ wikipedia on line encyclopedia to search for "secret societies brotherhoods and Cabalas.
4. Guide maps of London/ Paris/ Rome/ Madrid/ Rio de Jenero
5. A few books on religious norms, practices and rituals.


When a world renowned is found dead, brutally murdered, a Harvard Professor, Robert Langdon, receives a phone call/ an SMS / an email.( Gone are the days of Sherlock Holmes who used to receive letters and telegrams). Robert is summoned to identify the mysterious symbol seared onto the dead man's chest. His conclusion: it is the work of a secret society, sect, brotherhood, presumed extinct for nearly umpteen hundred years -- now reborn to continue their bitter vendetta against their sworn enemy, the catholic church. Thus begins a who-done-it.

Who is who 

Robert Langdon: a Harvard university professor, a religious symbologist who happens to be in a habit of popping up whenever there is a murder of a symbolic sort, meaning a weird symbol is scratched either on or near the dead body.

A dead Body: It better be male. It better be dead and it better be naked. It better be twisted in an unnatural manner, and it better have a weird symbol tattooed over his body.

Heroine: in order to give this character a sort of sensual exuberance, and in order to finally make a two hour movie out of this story, it better be a female, and mysteriously connected to the dead body. An expert of the sort. Robert Langdon, only being a symbologist, _naive in other worldly matters, must seek her help, _once knowing that she is somehow connected and there, _to stay for the rest of the story.

Murderer: must be an albino/ an Arab and a masochist. Must be dumb. Must be obeying his master's voice.

Master: must be the hidden master/ mentor of the maniac killer on the loose. The very identity can be saved till last, the grand finale.

Police/ authorities: must be dumb. Must be after the Hero and Heroine instead of the real culprit.


Robert Langdon wakes up from deep sleep only to find the phone ringing/ his hand held device flashing for an SMS/ email with high priority set. He is being summoned to a place, he doesn't know why but he arrives there only to find a dead body. The dead do tell tales. This one tells Robert a lot with a strange symbol inscribed on his body/ near his body. Robert instantly recognizes this symbol as the ancient symbol, a deadly icon from a deadly brotherhood. He thinks it is only a part of history and nothing to do with the present, but the heroine who is a relation of the deceased and a very talented lady, tells him otherwise. Thus starts a double treat for the reader in the form of a wild goose chase and the who-done-it mystery, with a lot of riddles spread all over the plot.

Back Ground. the book must also have a "sensational"/ scandalous aspect by embroiling people's existing norms, beliefs and views on religion. In other words, the writer must be able to fan the religious controversy to such an extent that he can shake and jolt the very foundation of their religious beliefs.

How and Where to Publish the Book
After all said and done, if the reader is able to benefit from this article, and actually write such a masterpiece, he must put the manuscript in a casket and forget all about it for at least a hundred years, otherwise if he succeeds in publishing it, he is bound to face One Hundred Years of Solitude or Instant Death, courtesy Blasphemy Law.

Never trust Dan Brown. All the time while reading his adventures, you must be thinking that it is FUN, but in actual practice, he was teaching you ancient history / some diabolic aspects of some esoteric rituals of some secret brotherhood, or cabala. Just to give your religious believes a good thrashing. BE WARE.